1. A woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?" she said.
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear mommy say," the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?".
2. A woman called her doctor to complain about her husband's snoring.
"Is there anything you can do?" she said,"Well, there is one operation
that will cure your husband, but it's rather expensive.
$1,000 plus $450 a month for 36 months."
"OH MY GOSH!!!!" exclaimed the woman, "that's like leasing a sports car!"
"Hmm," the doctor murmured. "Too obvious, eh?".
3. Ben's dad was building a pine bookcase, and Ben was watching and occasionally helping.
"what are the holes for?" Ben asked.
"they're knot holes", said his dad.
"what are they, then, if they're not holes?" said Ben.
4. Where do geologists go for entertainment?
to rock concerts.
5. why is a classroom like an old car?
cuz it full of nuts, and has a crank at the
front.
6. did you hear about the florist who had
two kids?
one's a budding gunius and the other's
a blooming idiot.
11. whats a snail?
a slug with a crash helmet.
12. what did the dumb ghost name his pet tiger?
spot.
13. how did the police scare the bugs away?
they called for the S.W.A.T. team.
14. what crawls and wears uniforms and helmets?
army ants.
15. why was the firefly flashing on and off?
his light was on the blink.
17. A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were EXTREMLY mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak
with her boys. The clergyman agreed, and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy
made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and
shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed. "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove
into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him
in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!".
18.There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well,
but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his water
melon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought,
he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day,
the kids show up and they saw the sign which read,
"Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign.
When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons
are missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!!!".
19. Q:Why did the blonde visit the post office 50 times in one day?
A:Her computer kept saying she has mail.
20. Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container for 15 minutes?
A: It said "concentrate".
21. Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.
22. Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breakin em' with hammers.
23. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde driving through a flashing red light.
24. Q: How do you make a blonde go crazy?
A: Tell her to sit in the corner of a circular room!
25. Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
26. Q:What do you call two blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted flakes.
27. Q: Why did the blonde put her money in the freezer?
A: She wanted cold hard cash!
28. Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champion.
29.Q: Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to Disney World?
A: She saw a sign saying: "Disney World Left" so she went home.
31. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
32. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
33. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
34. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
35. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
36. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
37. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
38. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
39. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
40. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
41. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
42. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
43. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
44. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
45. There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''
46. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
47. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
48. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
49. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''.
50. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
51. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
52. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
53. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
54. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''
55. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.
56. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
57. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
58. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
59. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?''
60. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Mar-mite......... one jar.
61. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
62. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
63. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
64. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
65. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
66. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
67. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''
68. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster
69. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
70. I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
71. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
72. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bi satchel.
73. You see my next-door neighbor worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
74. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
75. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
76. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
77. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
78. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
79. A seal walks into a club...
80 I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
- See more at: http://newslite.tv/2010/10/22/survey-reveals-top-50-funniest.html#sthash.wDt3ycRi.dpuf
0 comments:
Post a Comment
Share your thoughts on this post